Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Bad Mommy

If this post doesn't land Alex in a nice foster home, I don't know what will.

We had a landmark day in the Evans household today, one that included two calls to Poison Control and several mild panic attacks.

This morning, I was packing some things in the computer room while Alex was playing in his room. He wandered down the hall and into the bathroom, where he usually just plays with his bath toys. I heard him banging toys on the tile floor. I heard him sing into the rinse cup to hear his voice echo. I heard the cabinet door below the sink slam shut. OMIGOSH, I heard the cabinet door below the sink SLAM SHUT!!

I rounded the corner and peered into the bathroom, where Alex sat on the floor, clutching a large can of Comet toilet bowl cleaner in his hands. The floor around him was littered with piles of blue powder, and a thin layer of powder covered his upper lip. EEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkk!!! I snatched the Comet out of his hands and pried his lips open to see if his tongue was blue. It didn't appear that he had actually ingested any of it, although he did stick his tongue out and touch his upper lip with it as I picked him up to clean his face and hands.

I got the number for Poison Control off of the internet and spoke to a guy named Kim who said that there was probably nothing to worry about, that if Alex was really affected he would be coughing and vomiting and probably crying. He was doing none of the above, so Kim said to give him some food and water and watch him for 30 minutes or so.

Fortunately, that incident didn't amount to anything. Unfortunately, Alex considered that to be a failed attempt and decided that he needed to redeem himself. After his morning nap, I sat him in the "Alex-proof" living room while I made his lunch. I turned to the microwave to warm up his green beans, thus turning away from Alex, who was busy making music with his tambourine and his vocal chords. As I opened the microwave and grabbed the green beans, I noticed that things in the living room had gotten eerily quiet. Oooh, I thought, that's a bad sign. I glanced into the living room and saw that Alex was going to town on Murphy's Greenies dog bone. He had half of it in his mouth and was chewing away, and when he saw me looking at him with an awed expression on my face, he grinned and tons of green slobber poured from the corner of his mouth.

I debated about whether to call Poison Control again, but decided "better safe than sorry". I hit redial on my cell phone and immediately thought, please please please let it be anyone but Kim. Seconds later, Kim answered the phone. I was completely and utterly humiliated, and he was completely and utterly amused. He had the same advice as before - give him water, feed him, and watch him. I told him that I hoped to never talk to him again, especially not today, and he agreed.

I'm sure you're thinking, That has to be the end of the story. There is no way she'd take her eyes off that kid after two calls to Poison Control in a single day. Oh ho ho, you people give me way too much credit. I swear, that kid can reach a no-no and get it to his mouth faster than I can stop him. I can be staring directly at him, watching his every move, and suddenly he'll grin at me with a huge chunk of something non-edible clamped between his teeth.

By the end of today, Alex had attempted to eat Comet toilet bowl cleaner, a Greenies dog bone, a handful of Murphy's food, a piece of cinnamon-scented potpourri (that he was sucking on like a cough drop), and the rubber stopper from the end of the door stop in his bedroom. I was hoping he would have a taste for unusual and exotic cuisine, but this is ridiculous.

In conclusion, Alex is safe and healthy and there is no need to call DHS or worry about his well-being whatsoever. And tomorrow, I plan to duct tape him to my back so that I can be sure that he stays out of trouble and I don't have to write any more shameful posts like this one...


Oliver said...

I chuckled through this whole thing. :) These kids will make our hair gray faster than anything, I tell ya. You're a wonderful Mommy - these things happen to anyone. I'd say you got your wish for Alex to like exotic cuisine, that's for sure. :) Glad everything's okay!

hillarykey said...

That made me laugh so hard. We all experience those heart stopping situations, but I don't think I have had all of that at once. You did a good thing--and don't discount duct tape. It has like 500 uses!!

Amy said...

Duct tape has over 1001 uses now that it comes in designer colors!!! Remember the stories of stacking one play pen on top the other to make a mini baby prison....yeah, It's sounding like a much better idea now isn't it? I'll tell Poppo you are sorry for ever doubting his genius. He'll understand. Add another 4 kids in a house with a dog and you'll get the real picture. Luckily I never cleaned anything when you were little so I didn't have so many dangers. You just got into pots and pans I never used anyway!!!
Oh, and plants and under tables and on top of dressers and... I wonder where Alex gets it?
Yeah, Granny B is laughing her plump white jiggley bottom off at ya!

grammy said...

I just love how everyone says they laughed through this whole post. I did toooooooooo!!!! After this weekend, I can just picture that sweet little thing sitting on the floor w/blue or green lips, smiling and saying ma ma! And duct tape, hey do it and then he can be like his father who has been duct taped to a bed. Like father, like son! Oh yes, DHS 862-double 631!

loretta said...

This was so funny. I had to make my first comment on a blog - just to let you know - I couldn't stop laughing. It shows what a wonderful mother you are - you were willing to talk to Kim twice to make sure Alex was fine.

Hope all is well but seeing your blog lets me know things are going good. You are missed in Philly.

Chatter said...

I didn't laugh. Maybe because I am in the same stage of life right now and I know how much I'd panic. You handled it VERY well! Thankfully Conner wasn't a super curious child and he was such a mama's boy he didn't venture to far from me. He is still that way in fact. Glad you survived! Hugs,